I Love This Boy

Meet Tate:

14-year-old junior high heart-throb with a melt-your-heart smile (and dimples!). Not only is my little brother a complete stud and extremely talented in many fields (not to mention quite a bit taller than me now), but he has the biggest heart of anyone you'll ever meet. This boy loves everyone. He looks out for his family, respects girls, and is protective of his sisters. He never offends and is always willing to help. Tonight he reminded me of just why I love him and look up to him so much. He would go to the end of the world and back to protect or defend my sisters and me if needed. He is sensitive and tries his best to let nothing offend the spirit. Tate may be messy and a bit of an air head at times, but this boy would save the world if he could. I love him and someday I hope to be as strong as he is. 

Thank you, Tate, for always being your best and making me want to try harder. I love you.

Sometimes someone else has already written my song

Song of the day: Too Good For You (So Sorry) by Sara Bareilles

(Sorry, no music video. Just a glorious song.)

You claim your innocence, but I blame your reticence
For why I never knew no, never knew how you play.

One love has two equal parts, but you leave your love with your mark
On your unfortunate prey.

But there is no excuse, I don't like being used.
And someday it's gonna get back to you.

You're so predictable man. You hit the ground and you ran.
Ran as if I, if I would chase you.
But your dear delectable prize 'neath your near electrical skies
Is damn near disappointment at most.

I didn't know I paid for merely a masquerade.
So I want my money back, hey.

You're sorry that you hurt me so bad,
Sorry if I thought you were madly in love.
You only just pretend to start something that you can end.
Sorry you're addicted to cruel.
Sorry has nothing to do with you

Go on play your games cause I'm sorry I'm too good for you anyway.

How is it up on your high horse
You know we miss you of course

But if a moment ever rolls around you may be interested in looking down
Cause you're not so far from the ground.

I was a fool for you but you were foolish too. And fools never get the last laugh.

You're sorry that you hurt me so bad
Sorry if I thought you were madly in love
You only just pretend to start something that you can end.
Sorry you're addicted to cruel
Sorry has nothing to do with you
Go on play your games cause I'm sorry I'm too good for you anyway.

You were an open book, but after a second look
I realized I was wasting my time.
I know how the story goes and everyone looks for a hero
And here we are one at a time, standing in line to tell you you're not mine.
But you're sorry.

You're sorry that you hurt me so bad
Sorry if I thought you were madly in love
You only just pretend to start something that you can end.
Sorry you're addicted to cruel.
Sorry has nothing to do with you.
Go on play your games cause I'm sorry I'm too good for you anyway.

30 Goals for 30 Days

Right now I am taking a leadership class through the Residence Life program so that I can be an RA next year. I'm probably a nerd, but I absolutely love the class! Yesterday we talked about developing and maintaining healthy lifestyles. We discussed that health is not just physical well-being, but it encompasses emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and social well-being as well. It is a two-hour class, so I'll spare you the details, but I just wanted to share one thing that we did that I think everyone should see.

To end the day's class, the instructor presented to us the idea of a "Daily Decision Log." It is simply a list of daily behaviors that you want to develop or maintain in order to maintain your ideal healthy lifestyle. These things need not be hard or complex, just small simple things that you can do without having to schedule them into your day. You turn them into yes or no questions and put arrange them into a checklist, then you use the checklist for 30 days and see how you improve. I took my own view on it, dividing each item into different categories and coming up with a total of 30 items (which was more than the example he gave us) so I can have 30 goals to work on for 30 days. Here is the list that I came up with.

**Note: I uploaded this as a googledoc, so the formatting is a little screwy. The real version looks better, but it gives you an idea. Let me know if there are any problems with the link.

I'm going to start marking my lists on Monday, March 1. I am excited to start this project and give you all permission to copy this idea and make your own!

Tipping the Scale

I was just given proof that good will always outweigh the bad.
Thank you, attractive bookstore boy, for asking me for my number. Now let's just hope you're not a creeper in disguise.

When it Rains, it Pours

I think I need a bigger umbrella.

I've learned something this week. Well, I guess I've always known it, but I've definitely been re-learning it. There are times when nothing seems to go right. You might have a professor that scares the pants off of you, or get piled on with mountains of homework and not be able to seem to find any time to even get started. Your job might end sooner than you were anticipating and leave you, once again, with no income. There may be a sweet and slightly nerdy boy at work that takes you out on one date, wants to hold your hand, and then texts you all the time and wants to spend every day with you. Water might get spilled on your computer and ruin the keyboard, or your bank might go under leaving you temporarily without access to your money. Or, if you're really lucky, you could end up like me and have all of the above happen in one weekend.

But if you are lucky like me, then you know that Heavenly Father doesn't just leave us sitting in the gutter with no rain boots. He surrounds us with people who love us and are always willing to help. He gives us friends that are smart and can help us understand the foreign language of politics. He blesses us with a neighbor and a friend who knows everything there is to know about computers and is more than willing to try to fix yours for nothing more than a good hug. He gives us wonderful moms to call eight times in one day to help you figure things out, and who would give you the world if she could, simply because you are her daughter. He gives us a great group of friends who stick by your side while the awkward boy from work is around, and accept you even though you are probably the world's worst bowler. He blesses us with an amazing boss who, even though she barely knows you, offers to give you a cash loan while you are trying to get your bank accounts sorted out. And He blesses us with a roommate and a best friend who does your dishes while you're gone, just because she knows you're having a bad day. He blesses us with all of these people so that when it feels like you're drowning in everything that's going wrong, they'll be there to pull you back into the boat and dry you off again.

Sometimes you laugh,

Sometimes you cry.

Sometimes you sing

And sometimes you sigh.

But never give up.

You're never alone.

Never stop believing--

You're never far from home.

Christ is always watching,

He always understands.

He's always there to listen,

Always stretching forth His hand.

"Look at Me! Look at Me!"

I think I've found where the wild things are--my house. This afternoon I sat down to enjoy a quiet lunch with my latest read to keep me company, but I'm pretty sure there's an unwritten law at my house against that very thing. No sooner had I cracked open my book when I have a little 2-year-old monkey named Makenna climbing up the back of my chair. And smearing her cheese on the table. And eating my food. And stealing my bookmark. And asking for her own plate of rice. And asking for a glass of milk. And throwing her rice on the floor. And closing my book. And climbing on the table. And spilling her milk. And climbing under the table. Now, she is a very talented little bugger and managed to do all of these things while still continuously saying (or shouting, more like) "Rachel, Rachel! Watch this!" "Rachel! Look at me!" "Rachel! What are you doing?" "Rachel come here!" "Rachel! I'm hiding!" "Rachel come get me!" "Rachel!" "Rachel!" "RACHEL!"

Ever since the moment I got home for the break, I've felt like a mother duck with my two little ducklings following my every move, or maybe even a celebrity who is constantly being hounded by fans and paparazzi. I have played more imaginary games than I can count, changed lots of clothes and diapers, helped Graci and Kenna feed the goldfish, been called "Grandpa" for a whole hour, listened to all sorts of stories about dinosaurs or Santa Claus, been the constant human playground, and have even had Graci sleep in my bed. I can't comprehend how such little bodies can house so much energy.

But you know what? I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love having these girls in my life. I love that they completely idolize me. I love listening to Makenna learn to talk. I love watching Graci pretend to be so many different things. I love watching them play together and seeing them learn and grow. I am astounded every day at how much they know and can do. I absolutely love that I can be a part of their lives and I hope that by playing games and wrestling with them, or even just fixing them sandwhiches, that they will know that I love them more than anything in the world, because even though they are wild things, they are MY wild things, and I can't imagine my life any other way.

Heartache is a Vicious Thing

Have you ever had so many thoughts in your head that you couldn't put them into words no matter how hard you tried, even though that's what you wished you could do more than anything? So have I.

Life in this apartment this past week has been, well, hard on all of us. One roommate went through a painful breakup, a couple more had hopes smashed, everyone has been stressed and on edge, and our apartment seems to be a vacuum for drama. The more we try to pull the plug out of the wall, the harder the vacuum sucks. And I have somehow found myself here, stuck as the mediator in what seems to be the most complicated love pyramid that ever existed.

But that's not what this is about.

Tonight I experienced what it's like to rely on the Lord for words. My best friend needed me, but I had so many words in my head that I had none at all. Not only that, but I was emotionally involved in the situation that had her collapsed on the floor and sobbing in my arms, and I was struggling to remain the strong and sensible one. I needed the clarity to be able to tell her what she needed to hear. But I couldn't get it out. As I rocked her back and forth I pleaded to be able to say what needed to come out. Never have I thought so carefully about what to say before saying it. But it came. The words came out and the advice was sound and spiritual. It provided her the comfort and guidance that she needed and gave her the little bit of clarity she was seeking in order to be able to turn her pleas to her Heavenly Father and allow him to direct her in her decisions. I know the words were not mine. They were the words the Spirit was trying to tell her but which she was too upset to hear.

I like to think that in this week of chaos, confusion, and endless emotions, I was able to be the answer to a friend's prayer. Amidst the millions of racing thoughts going around in my head, I was able to have a small moment of clarity in which to help someone I love dearly. I'm now back to not being able to not being able to even begin to decipher the chaos in my mind, but for that moment, everything made sense.

In the Audience

I had the wonderful opportunity this weekend to travel home to Kaysville to see five of my best friends and their classmates, the current Advanced Theatre class of Davis High, perform "A Night of Shakespeare." I was so excited to be able to see these people who I love so dearly and miss terribly, but I was afraid it was going to be weird for me. It wasn’t like I expected. Yes, it was weird to think that at this time last year and the year before, it was me who was up on that stage doing the same thing they were. It felt strange to not personally know every single person in the cast. It was odd not knowing what to expect beforehand. But what wasn’t weird was sitting in the audience and watching new people doing what I had done for two years. No, being an audience member didn’t seem strange at all. In fact, it felt right.

In high school, I had the amazing and rare opportunity to be a part of the Advanced Theatre class for two years. I cannot even imagine what my high school experience would have been like without it. Andra Thorne and the students in both classes truly changed my life and taught me things I wouldn’t have learned anywhere else. On the last day of school last year, our class took a mini “field trip” to the auditorium where we sat on the stage one last time as a class. This was an exceptionally hard day for me. I was so ready to be done with high school; to get out of there and move on with my life. I wanted to have new adventures and be able to start over. But I wasn’t ready to let go of the family that had been created for me in that theatre class. It was my safe haven. I had been dreading having to say goodbye for quite sometime.

When we got to the auditorium, Andra had us all lie on the stage and remember the things we had done there. She then left us to do what we personally needed to do in order to let go. First, I stood at the very back of the stage along the wall. I watched everyone in front of me on that stage and thought about all that we had been through together. I watched each of them struggling to let go and say goodbye just as I was. I then proceeded to move to every position on the stage where I had had a scene in all of the shows I had been in at Davis High. I stood where I had stood for various scenes in Macbeth: places I had crouched as part of the rock; where I had stood when I agreed to become a murderer; the places where I fought Banquo and attacked the house of Macduff; my place at the banquet; where I died in the final battle scene. I knelt in the same place where I, as a junior, had been painting set when Andra took me by surprise and asked me if I would be the president of next year’s class. I walked through the scenes of The Scarlet Pimpernel and the musical revue. And lastly, I lost myself in the memory of Peter Pan. I leaned against the pillar that once was my tree. I sat where my nook in the home under the ground had been. I walked to the place where I died in Peter’s arms and was saved by the clapping audience; the wing of the stage where I was hoisted into the air so many times before flying across the stage; and my place in the “Dreamenture” pose from the beginning and end of the show. I walked through every role I had ever played on that stage in the auditorium. And then I walked to the stairs that led off the stage and into the audience. I stood at the top step looking down for what seemed like forever. Then I finally took the step I needed to take—I stepped off of the stage and into the seats of the audience. I let go of my places on that stage and embraced the truth that my place was now in those seats, supporting the ones who would take my place. I walked out of that auditorium knowing that it would be enough to hold on to the memories, and that it would be okay to let someone else have the amazing experience of being part of the new family that would soon form.

Being at Night of Shakespeare on Friday brought me back to that day when I decided it was okay to let go. It was the closure I had needed at the end of two years of being a part of Advanced. That experience and closure I had had that day allowed me to go to the show and be perfectly comfortable sitting in the audience. I was so excited to see the new class up there on that stage, knowing that they still had no idea what that class will bring to them. It brought back so many memories to watch those who were performing Shakespeare for the first time and were yet to be comfortable with it, compared to those who had come to realize their love and passion for the works of that amazing man. I am so excited for these kids to have an experience like the one I had. They have so much in store for them. I will forever be grateful for the experiences that I had in that class and I’m so glad that it can continue onto new people each year. Thank you, Andra, and all the previous members of Advanced Theatre who shared those experiences with me. And to all those who are just beginning the class or who will be in it in the years to come, thank you for allowing me to relive all those precious memories through your performances.

Big Kid School

School has been in session for almost a month, and I've yet to write anything about it. So, for anyone who cares, I apologize. School is going fabulously! I am absolutely loving it up here! My classes aren't necessarily exciting by any means, but most of the time I find them interesting. I am currently taking creative arts, nutrition, human development, and statistics (Just the minimum 12 credits. Yes, I'm a wuss, but that's the way I like it.). This week I had my first two college exams. Yikes! Luckily I passed both of them, and didn't do too badly either.

Life in Logan is better than I could have ever imagined. I never thought that it could be this fun. My roommate, Brooklin, is a blast! Her and I are so much alike, except that she's cuter and much more bubbly than I am. (No, it's true. She already has a following of boys.) We have lots of fun together and we help each other stay motivated. My ward is great too! I love all the people on my floor, especially the girls two doors down. I love how here you can be almost constantly surrounded by friends and positive influences.

Brooklin and Lindsay, two of my roommates

Things I've learned in college so far:

• There is definitely a long way and a quick way to get places
• Don't lick the walls. The paint has lead in it.
• Do your dishes BEFORE you get to the point where the only thing you have clean is a spoon
• Apparently, not everyone has a mother that teaches them to clean up after themselves
• You can find friends in unexpected places
• A new song on the guitar
• Dancing in the rain will always be fun
• The anatomy of the digestive system
• Not having anything on Mondays is the most glorious thing in the world
• How to clean out a fish bowl with nothing but a small cup and an orange juice pitcher
• A sheet of ice shatters quite splendidly when you drop it off a third floor balcony
• There's a $50 fine for dropping things off the third floor balcony
• I love the library
• You can become best friends with people who were previously strangers in a matter of days
• Nothing beats acoustic poetry night
• USU must be the favorite school of Asians
• There are lots of fun things to do with hospital masks
• It hurts your hands to try to carry all your groceries up two flights of stairs in one trip
• Spray-and-wash is my best friend
• Having a clean kitchen is a wonderful feeling
• Never turn down free food
• Patience
• Arthur never dies
• There aren't near enough episodes of Puzzle Place on YouTube
• Post-it notes are a great way to decorate cinder block walls
• Everything is funnier when Phebe is around
• A Very Potter Musical is the best thing. Ever.
• Shaving your legs in a three foot shower is like trying to wrestle an alligator (comparison courtesy of Brooklin)
• It IS possible to have fun and be studious at the same time
• And oh, so much more...

I'm so glad I decided to come up to Utah State. I can't imagine myself being anywhere else!

Our first dinner :) ~ My little bedroom ~ Heading to the 80's dance

This is Phebe. I love her. ~ Caught in the rain

Closed for Repairs

Today I was reminded of the reason we have families.

It's a well-known saying that friends come and go. In my life, that seems to be an understatement. For some reason, I have never had a "best friend." Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of friends that I've been really close to. In fact, I can't count the number of times I've considered someone to be my best friend, but the feeling never seems to be mutual. After a while they find someone new and decide they don't need me anymore, regardless of whether or not I still need them. So today as I was thinking of an old "best friend" and sincerely missing her company, I came to the realization that that is why God gave us families; because not everybody can have a best friend at all times. It was a reaffirmation of something I already knew, but something I needed to rediscover. Friends may come and go, but my family will always be there. Even when we're in different parts of the state or the world, my family is an anchor that never floats away.

I read a great piece of advice in a magazine article just a little while ago. It said, "Never burn bridges. Just close them down for repairs for a while." I love that thought. I am still very grateful for and love all the friends I've had in my life who have helped to shape me into who I am, even if they have gone a different way for now. I hope that our paths can cross again someday. As for the friend I was thinking about today, I just wish that the construction on our bridge can be over soon, because I don't want to watch anything burn. I love you.

"And all the things that break you,

Are the things that make you strong!

You can't change the past,

Cause it's gone.

And you just gotta move on,

Because it's all

Lessons learned."

-Carrie Underwood (Lessons Learned)

Finding Neverland

A few months ago, I had the magical experience of being in J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan, or The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up. It truly was a once-in-a-lifetime adventure. I won't get into details, but the main concept or theme behind our show was that of rediscovering your inner child and letting that part of you play a role in your life. Throughout our rehearsal process and the actual production, the whole cast planned and participated in "inner child activities" where we indulged in fun playtimes of our past. The experience was definitely a fun one, but not entirely unique. It was unique in the fact that I was getting to do it every day with a wonderful group of people who I love dearly, but unoriginal in the sense that I've always held on to that aspect of myself. I've never been afraid to allow myself to be a child-- to play silly games, color with crayons, carry around coloring books and play-doh, and use my imagination.

Through my experiences with Peter Pan, I was reminded of how to find Neverland, but the best adventures I have there are when Neverland finds me. Let me explain.

Yesterday when I came home from work, I ended up in the backyard with my two little sisters-- Graci who is almost 4 and Makenna who is 2 1/2. I pushed them in the swings for a while and sat in the grass, but pretty soon I found myself chasing hyenas and dinosaurs, fighting pirates, and flying through the sky as Graci's imagination worked freely and quickly. We were Peter Pan, Wendy, and Michael for one minute, then pirates or Indians the next. A soccer net quickly became a cave when we were being chased by rampaging hippopotamuses, and the grass transformed into the ocean as we flipped our mermaid tails and sang "Part of Your World." We fought off monsters and beasts of every variety, and even had a brief Spiderman sighting. I was saved my magic drops of potion more than once, with Graci as Peter Pan (or sometimes Wendy) leading the way. The adventures went on and on, and only paused when it was time for dinner.

It didn't take an organized activity to take me away to far off places. Instead, all it took was my little playmate allowing me to have a peek into her constantly moving, creative mind. Thank you, Graci, for always bringing me back to Neverland.

-hiding in the cave-

-killed by pirates-

-fighting the dinosaurs-

-being a lion-

-flying through Neverland-